Rishikesh / New Delhi, March 2007

Dear friends and loved ones,

One of the things I have not been finding time to write about is the laboratory on the premises. Swami Veda is following in Swami Rama's footsteps by making the scientific side of yoga visible. His own testing is mainly done in major laboratories worldwide (amongst others at Bremen University, the Institute of Noetic Scieces in California, and the Neuropath Laboratory in Denver). There are very interesting results which we cannot write about at this moment, pending scientific publication.

The lab on campus is small but has the major advantage that it is being run by and for meditators. Not necessarily technically, but in terms of the 'demand side' being meditators interested in science and in measuring what actually happens in them rather than scientists having an outside-in interest in meditation. In practical terms, for a simple user like me that means that the change in brainwaves can be measured while meditating or doing other practices such as yoga nidra (yogic sleep; sleeping while remaining conscious). If the testing is done regularly this gives an impression of progress.

I have been tested twice by now. The first time was about 2 weeks after I arrived. I was happy to find then - as was the neuroscientist doing the test; he was touchingly pleased - that I do go into a state of meditation, with a clear increase in alpha waves and a minor increase in theta waves. He said I held a lot of muscular tension. If I were able to release that, I would undoubtedly go much deeper.

The second time was approximately two months later. This was relatively quick for a second test, but a friend had just been made responsible for the lab. He was interested in running a test, and I was happy to have a second go. I was also slightly apprehensive because I cared about his opinion of me. Ego! It felt very vulnerable to let him look into my brain and see just how shallow my meditation was... But I try to confront my fears, so this was - if anything - a reason to go ahead.

The results were quite good in the sense that there was significant improvement compared to the first test: deeper relaxation and more alpha, delta and theta waves. But I only went into meditation for short periods and the rest of the time my mind was all over the place. "See these very small irregular waves, they are beta waves and show incoherent thought. Here you are still in a thinking process, but it is more coherent, more one-pointed. The waves are much larger, see? And here you move into meditation, but it only seems to last for a few seconds..."

It was both fun and interesting. I felt the results of this second test were a bit poor considering that it had felt like one of the nicest meditations I had ever had. This may be explained by the fact that I sat longer than my capacity. I can (usually) sit for a fairly long time now - sometimes even a few hours, for instance in meetings - but I do shift my weight around after approx. a half hour, and sometimes I change the position of my legs. But when you are hooked up for the lab test, you have to sit absolutely still and that’s a completely different ballgame. You are measured before you start meditating, with eyes open and then with eyes closed. Then you are measured twice during meditation, in my case after ten and twenty minutes. But the last time the second ‘real’ measurement was done after half an hour and I had already been sitting for 15 minutes while being wired up and for the first two testes. 45 minutes is a long time to sit absolutely still, and by the end I was REALLY wanting to get up, like a kid in IKEA.

(IKEA is this huge furniture store. They have a place where parents can leave their children while they do their shopping. All the time they announce over the sound system messages like: 'little Johnny would like to be picked up from children's paradise'. Sometimes the parents seem to be enjoying the break, and the message keeps on repeating, each time a little more urgently. In the end it becomes something like 'little Johnny would now REALLY like VERY MUCH to be picked up RIGHT NOW from the children's paradise'. That’s how I had started feeling: Sonia would REALLY like to be able to shift her legs and straighten her knees RIGHT NOW).

++++

On February 28 we had a big celebration, with the consecration of a large number of statues and plaques:

• Kuang Ying (Goddess of compassion, worshipped widely in the Far-East)
• Maitreya Buddha (the future Buddha)
• Acharya Padmasambhava (who took the teaching to Tibet)
• Acharya Bodhidharma (a Brahmin or warrior from Kanchi or Kerala, who consolidated the teachings in China; he established the Ch’an (Zen) School of Meditation; founded the Shao-Lin Monastary (from where all oriental martial arts originate))
• Bodhisattva Kshitigarbha who has the vow to remain in hell until all beings in all universes are so well liberated that none enter the hell ever again
• Acharya Xuen-Tsang - He obtained the patronage of T’ang Emperors of China and the Emperor Harshavardhana of India, studied at Nalanda and translated thousands of Sanskrit texts into Chinese with the help of several hundred scholar monks he trained.
• Plaques from the Islamic, Judaic, and Zoroastrian traditions.

The consecration was done by Tibetan and Chinese monks in a beautiful ceremony. It was a colourful and impressive happening. The monks could have been cast for a film, and their presence on campus for a number of days was a source of joy. It is apparently quite unusual for high representatives of different spiritual streams to meet, and more so to do ceremonies together. Swami Veda is really good at bringing such people together. At the Maha Kumbha Mela in 2001, the Dalai Lama and the Shankaracharya of Karvir Pitham (something like a pope to Hinduism except that there are four of them) participated in our fire ceremonies in Allahabad. He is currently planning a next major event of the sort…

The Shankaracharya of Karvir Pitham, by the way, spent some days with us in February and I had the privilege of sitting at his feet as I was holding up the long skirts of ladies performing a Korean tea ceremony. They needed to climb up four or five steps to the podium with their hands full, so a friend and I set on both sides of the stairs and inched up their skirts as they majestically strode up. Marvellously beautiful ceremony, and they served very nice tea at the end and sang traditional Korean songs for us. The Shankaracharya on that occasion (which was for honouring Swami Veda for his 60 years of international teaching and travelling) gave the most beautiful blessings, including a long life for Swami Veda: he would live to be a hundred. Another 26 years, not bad at all…

Back to our consecration ceremony. On one side – facing the statues - were seated the lamas and the swamis and the vanaprastas (those who have taken a certain level of vows of renunciation). I was sitting at the other side – looking at the back of the statues - and feeling I should have been over at the other side. There was no emotional involvement in that thought, and it’s not because I thought the seats were better or anything of the sort. I just felt that that was my place, that’s where I belonged. I felt that even though at that time, just a few weeks ago, I was not yet ready to take such vows, right now I was.

I pondered this, and tried to reconcile it with my recent and very strong attraction to a young man, which I wrote about in my former letters. The thought came to me that that attraction was not personal; it did not have much to do with him as a person. A number of months ago I found myself - unexpectedly and to my dismay - looking for someone to live with. This came over me almost with urgency, and it seems that it could have been anyone I liked well enough. Now I knew that I really only wanted to live with someone who could help and inspire me on the spiritual path, someone who would strengthen my discipline rather than undermine it. I felt the reason for this quite painful process (I have spared you the details of that) was to make this clear to me.

These thoughts came with a feeling of great serenity, which is still with me now, five (and even ten) days later. Time will show if it was really a realisation (which is what is seems and feels like now) or just a passing thought which will leave me again as I am back in the world (or earlier!).

So right now it feels as if one major distraction is out of the way, solved. There is definitely much more needed. I keep on having ups and downs in the rest of my emotional life, largely related to or fed by perceived stress levels. I believe more and more firmly that it is my practice to learn to do my duties skilfully, and remain cheerful, that is, maintain my centre.

The other day (in fact, already two weeks ago) I was feeling particularly exhausted and rebellious. I privately complained to two friends then regretted having done that. The same evening, Swami Veda (who I am sure was not told about this little talk) called me over and asked me to work on yet another book (together with some other people). This left me first dumbstruck and then made me laugh. It was just so much too much! It took away all doubt that he is not be doing it on purpose. For not only do I obviously not have time for anything else (and I am not getting down to work on two books, one of which is urgent to him), this time it was something that is quite outside my (current) capacity (more of poetic impressions, whereas I am really a prose person). This is really my practice; not just work needing to be done.

Just as I realized (once again) that I am actually lucky that my teacher is giving me a hard time, Stoma reinforced this when in his class on emotional purification he told the story of how Swami Rama as a young man was given the choice by his master: to receive as his personal property a big heap of the most wonderful gems which were shown to him in the ancestral cave of the tradition (and he loved gems at that phase of his life!), or to join his master who was standing in a column of fire. He chose the fire, fortunately for us. Stoma explains that through our practice we are hoping to attain peace of mind, equanimity, etc. But these, he says, are the gems. Are we willing to stand in the fire?

A little bit reluctantly at times, but I do realise that I have the privilege of standing in the fire...

I keep on forgetting how lucky I am, though. About a week ago I forgot once more. There were 13 people here from Benin and Burkina Faso – really wonderful!
I was translating for them all day, plus my other work continued, plus some of them had medical problems and needed translation while meeting doctors etc. so I was overstretching even more then before (is that possible?), trying to be at several places at the same time and I have not yet learnt the art of projecting myself …

Then one evening Swami Veda called again for a meeting. It had been a very long day, I came back from a tiring trip at nine in the evening to roll into this meeting. We were given some time to eat, so the meeting started at approximately 21h30.

The objective was to specify the things that needed doing before Linda and I would leave (she has left in the meantime), plus some possibly fairly intensive tasks for both of us for the first year of functioning of AHYMSIN. It probably means being involved to an even higher degree than I had anticipated, which will be difficult considering I will also be starting on a new job and getting settled…

I had just fixed the dates that I was planning to somehow fit in a ten day silence retreat during the rest of my stay here… So I timidly said that I had been hoping to get to do some silence before leaving (I did not mention the ten days, at that moment I would have been happy with just three). Swami Veda looked as me more sternly than I have ever seen him and said, no, there is no time.

It was a difficult evening. I was dead tired. My body was aching more than it did when I arrived five months ago. I felt I desperately needed some rest to get in shape. Swami Veda said a number of times that we should take care that a particular person should not work too hard for health reasons. I agreed, but thought ‘and what about me?’ A number of times I almost spoke out but something held me back. A few times tears came in my eyes that I wiped hoping nobody noticed. After the meeting I sat in the office to make the report. Linda came over and massaged my shoulders, which somehow brought a great release. Tears started flowing for real.

I wondered if I should have said to Swami Veda that it was too much. I could still easily go over to see him. The sensible part of me thought I should – in fact decided to do so-, but another, stubborn, part told me to shoulder it. That is what I ended up choosing to do. Next day, I woke up feeling absolutely marvellous. I was full of energy, in spite of not having slept much and having worked till very late. It seems the Guru was pleased and sent some energy and joy to support me…

So I am not getting time away from work so as to rest, but I do receive energy and joy from on high – which is delightful. Also, I have been getting the most amazing amount of appreciation from down below. So many people - including those that I respect and admire most - are saying the most wonderful things to me. Some are very unexpected, like one of the Indian Gurukulam students, who does not speak much and has only little English. He who said “If you would stay everything here would be better!” And I received a dakshina, a love offering! An envelope with my name on it and money inside. I first thought it must be for Swami Veda until people convinced me that as my name was on it, it was certainly for me. Inside was the exact amount to pay for a mala, a yoga ‘rosary’ (which has 108 beads), that I had been looking at the day before…

Yet feelings of inadequacy remain, somehow. I have recently come to understand that they are my main emotional issue and probably one of the causes of the pain in my body (muscular, joints, even bones). It started dawning on me how deep this inadequacy thing goes when someone gave me a reiki treatment. She talked about the love in the universe we are all part of, about each one of us being wonderful and unique, about having so much to give and giving so much etc.

My mind kept on answering ‘yes but':
… so often I am unable to feel that I am part of the love of the universe;
… I have so much purification to do
… I lack discipline;
… I am so often selfish and holding back things I could be giving etc.
She came to the clavicles and felt the pain there just as she said 'we are always doing the best we can, we all are...'
… but my best isn't good enough…

As her hands still hovered over my clavicles she continued: 'this feels like something that has been given to you from outside. Maybe your parents?'

Oh wow. These pains began some time after I had started practicing yoga and I have wondered if I was doing something wrong. Another possible (partial) cause was a small car accident I had around that time. But now I realised it was also shortly after my father died. I cried... (Yes, again. Though in fact, chronologically this happened before the evening meeting.)

My father was a wonderful man with very high standards in many ways, most of all for himself. He had a way of never explicitly stating any expectations as far as we, his children, were concerned. But I perceived them to be there. His not making them explicit somehow seemed to set the goals even higher. It felt to me as if he silently expected perfection but already knew that we would not measure up.

What I am saying of course is in my mind, not his. They are my perceptions, and I am not even sure they are shared by my brother and sisters. But it’s not all imagination. An instance comes to mind where I had done really well, and he was so proud of me, and yet - as he admitted years later - he felt I should have done differently. His reproach was not to me but to himself, for not guiding me better, more firmly. But it rubs off of course, and to me the effect is this feeling of never being good enough.

This is an example of not being able to write about something in a just way, because it may appear as if something is his 'fault', as if he could be held responsible for any of my difficulties. It's not that at all. On the contrary, I have been given so much to prepare me and help me fend for myself (by both my parents)! But I do see that there is a kind of mechanism that I have used to create pain (insecurities) for myself.

The other day there was a class on internal dialogue and journaling that zoomed in on these feelings of inadequacy. Did I talk about the so called 'primitive fountains' in an earlier letter? They are the four drives or urges that man has in common with animals (sleep, food, sex, and fear). I have been able to identify and work with all of them, and - obviously, running a yoga centre in Benin - teaching on them. But the fear part I did not fully measure.

It was a wonderful class, in which Jim talked – among many other things - about our ‘extended egos’. This refers to the way we take our cars and our bank accounts to be part of ourselves, so that the kind of car we drive and the amount of money we have in the bank becomes part of our perceived identity. In the same way, we take our partners or children as part of our identity, to the point of feeling embarrassed when they say or do something foolish. And if someone criticises something we or a member of our family has said or done, we become defensive. This, Jim said, is the fear of the ego, which feels threatened at the thought of its ideas being ‘killed’.

I will not go into much detail on this, because it is something I still have to find out how to work with. I just wanted to mention it because it was an important discovery. And so evident, that I wonder how it is possible that I had not made that connection before. Somehow I had not.

I am not writing about any of the amusing (or trying) things happening. I am currently in Delhi to extend my visa. My flight is on 20 April, and my visa expired on 17 April. The website of the Indian Embassy in The Netherlands said they give six month visa, and I had supposed it would start counting on the day of entry. But in fact, the visa is for 180 days, and starts counting on day of issue. As my flight was on a Sunday, I was in trouble… A tourist visa formally can not be extended, but a friend contacted the deputy secretary of Home Affaires who intervened… I still spent quite some time waiting, but compared to what others go through it was really a breeze.

The most trying part was probably that as I walked into the FRRO (the Foreigners Regional Registration Office, where the actual extension was going to be done) the lights started flickering and died. We were some sixty people crowded into a place with hardly any windows and – therefore - no light. When I thought my eyes were a little bit accustomed to the dark I walked forward, but after bumping into two people I had not seen I gave up. From then on I was only being bumped into…

People are very patient here, even the foreigners. It apparently rubs off. After about half an hour the light came back on and everybody went back to work. It lasted ten or fifteen minutes, then went again. Not a murmur of complaint! Everybody just patiently waited for the light to come back on again, which it did just around lunch time. So again, ten minutes work and then everything closed for lunch…

When I finally had my extension written in my passport, I had to pass by one desk, where the lady considered that tourist visa cannot be extended. She tried to get the opinion of her boss, but perhaps he was not back from lunch yet or so. When the errand boy came back it was obviously inconclusive. Then she asked a senior colleague working at the same desk. He told her to just go ahead. So she shrugged and signed, making me the very happy owner of a three days visa extension…

May God and Guru bless us all,
Sonia